Terrified

Terrified may be a bit strong of a word but it comes pretty close. The night before every follow up appointment with my oncologist and my surgeon is pretty terrifying. At the very least it makes me nervous. Most of the time I don't allow myself to stop and think about what possible news or results I could be given at my appointments. There is really no sense in worrying about something you can't control and with any luck will never happen. I've been fortunate so far and my scans and tests continue to come back clear. I really don't think I have anything to worry about and feel like I'll be receiving the same "boring" old news again tomorrow. I do catch myself wondering "what if ..." every once in a while though and always closer to a follow up.

Funny enough, if anything keeps me up tonight it won't be the thought of my appointment. I've decided to use my forearm crutches and wear my modified shoes to get to work tomorrow. I'll be going straight to the hospital from work for my appointments and I'd prefer to bring those crutches as they are further along in my recovery. The problem is, I'm more comfortable switching back to my full length crutches when I take public transit. Especially during rush hour. Hopefully I'm heading in early enough that it won't be during the worst of it but I know I won't miss it completely and it's going to be busy. I am honestly more afraid for my commute than I am for either appointment. I suppose it's kind of nice. It's a good distraction from thinking about my test results.