Twenty Twelve

Usually the start of a new year doesn't hold a lot of meaning for me. I look forward to celebrating with friends on New Years Eve but am never really focused on it being the start of a new year. It's no surprise that this year was different and more than ever before I was looking forward to starting a new year. I know there is no real difference between December 31st and January 1st, it's just the next day, but many people view the start of a new year as a fresh start, a new beginning. For the first time, I too shared this philosophy.

It was just a couple weeks ago when I realised just how much I was looking forward to 2012. I was more than ready to put 2011 behind me and start over. Knowing that never again will "today's date" end in 2011, the year I fought the majority of my cancer battle, seems to add a layer of distance to what happened. There is no question that I will never forget this past year. How could I!? But I am more than ready to get my life back on track, it's been more than derailed for some time now.

There were some positive moments for me in 2011 despite everything that was going on. When asked on New Years Eve how I would rate my 2011 - thumbs up, down, or somewhere in the middle - I gave it a somewhere in the middle, to the surprise of some. Like I said, there was some good that happened this past year and some fun to be had, even if it was minor or far between. Furthermore, I am proud of all that I overcame in 2011 and how I handled everything. I learned so much. I learned a great deal about myself (some of which I'm still discovering), a lot about my friends and my relationships with them, and about my family as well. The way I look at my life in general, my outlook for the future, what I value and consider important, and how I make decisions, these are all forever changed because of my experiences in 2011.

I don't want to jinx it but it shouldn't be hard for my 2012 to be better than 2011. I have so much to look forward to in 2012, returning to work (date yet to be determined), learning to play sledge hockey, progressing at physio, along with a hundred other things. And with any luck, learning to walk. Or at the very least furthering my mobility and getting closer to walking, maybe down to one crutch or a cane. Already better in 2012, I have more energy than any day in 2011. More hair too.

Who knows what 2012 has in store for me. I definitely don't need anyone to tell me that you can't predict the future or that life doesn't always work out the way we plan. I haven't lost sight of the future and making plans for it but my focus has changed a little. I guess you could say I'm living more in the now. It has nothing to do with being worried I won't be around, I just have a lot more respect for the present. I feel like I'm more aware or consciously thinking about how what I do and the decisions I make are effecting how I feel right now. I think I deserve to be happy. I went through a lot of unpleasantness last year and think it's maybe time things started working out for me / going my way. I still have a long way to go in my recovery so there are sure to be many challenges along the way but all I can do is take it one day at a time. So here's looking forward to the potential of everything 2012 holds.