The Plate Shuffle

Every night it's one of two things, either dinner is set out on the kitchen table or everyone serves themselves from the pot(s) or pan(s) on the stove. In the case of the latter, after loading up my plate someone carries it to the table for me. It's kind of hard to do it myself on crutches. Today was different. What can I say, I'm stubborn.

After loading my plate with food I set it on the counter beside the stove. I then took one crutching step to the left. Now standing still and balancing on my left foot, I pick up my plate and set it down again as far left down the counter as I can. A couple more steps to the left now, passing right by my plate before I stop. I reach back, grab the plate and move it again. Two more plate moves and I've reached the end of the "L" shaped counter. Standing at the end of the counter I slide my plate up onto the breakfast nook that runs the length of the short arm of the "L". Hmmm the table is a little too far from the breakfast nook.

Just as I'm assessing the situation and planning my next move my brother walks by with his plate in hand and goes to pick up mine. I shout "NO!" (Possibly a little louder than I had intended) "... I'm so close". Everyone laughs a little but he leaves it be. Ok, back to getting my plate to the table.

I grab one of the bar stools from the breakfast nook, slide it out and spin it around so the seat is facing the space between me and the kitchen table. Perfect! I shuffle to the left a little further. I grab my plate and set it on the stool. Couple more steps. Last move, I'm almost there! With a satisfied smile on my face, I grab my plate with my right hand, shift it over to my left and set it down one last time onto the table. Viola!!!

Of course my brother has to ask, "are you going to put the stool back?" With a smirk I reply, "no you can. I don't need it anymore." It really only needed to be slid back in about 6 inches.

Can't Walk? Ride!

For the past 7.5 weeks my mobility has left much to be desired. Actually for that matter, there has been one thing or another keeping me from getting around with ease for the last year. Most recently with my surgery, before that the exhausting side effects of chemo and even prior to that, severe pain for months leading up to a diagnosis. It would be really nice and kind of liberating if I could go where I wanted, how I wanted and at a decent pace. I found a way.

Lucky for me my parents have a 4wheeler. At first thought, this doesn't solve my problem, I wouldn't be able to shift the gears with my right foot. Lucky for me they have an automatic 4wheeler, no shifting required. Yesterday I was feeling the need to get out on my own and more than just a slow lap around the house on my crutches. I got myself ready, went outside, made my way to the 4wheeler, got myself on it and... it won't start. Battery is dead. I was really trying to do this all by myself. I was going to ride by the window and wave and smile with a look that said "see, I can manage some things on my own". Now what? I get my dad to hook up the battery charger and I head back in the house frustrated and a little defeated.

Fast forward a couple of hours. Let's try this again. Back outside. Slowly and methodically back into position on the seat. And... it starts. I'm free! I'm speeding up and down and all around the yard. I feel like I'm 14 again. Before I had a driver's license and the 4wheeler was the closest I could come to driving. The freedom and control to drive at any speed, in which ever direction I chose. What a feeling.

Trampolining

Believe it or not I was on a trampoline today. Okay okay, I wasn't actually jumping or anything fun like that but I was ON it. It was a nice day out, sunny but with a cool breeze, and the trampoline has always been one of my favourite places to lay outside. Whether it's suntanning, star gazing, or just hanging out, it's certainly comfy.

I had been sitting outside in a standard plastic patio chair for a little while and was getting restless. Looking over at the trampoline I contemplated the idea of getting on it. It doesn't sound like a big decision but there were a couple issues I was facing. (1) The height of the trampoline. It's above my waist, so I'd need to jump up to get on. (2) The springs / edge of the trampoline. If I was able to jump up, I'd have to slide myself over the springs to get into the center. What the heck, why not give it a try.

SUCCESS! (obviously, I already told you I was on it)

Getting up wasn't too difficult. With my back to the trampoline I was able to lift myself up onto the edge. You don't really need both legs for that. Sliding across the springs was a little more of a challenge. Yes there is some material covering them but it's not a solid surface. I had to lean all my weight to the left to stay balanced on the frame but that was the easy part. Sliding backwards proved to be the challenge. I needed both arms to lift myself up and slide backwards and I didn't have a hand left to lift my right leg to "bring it with me" (it needs some assistance now and again). I was finally up, had shimmied my way to the middle of the trampoline and was lying down. All worth it.

Crap, eventually I need to get down from here ...

Not Quite O.C.D.

This is not a new revelation, it is something I've been aware of for a very long time. Occasionally I will come across a situation were I'm reassured of this particular behaviour though. Every one of us have some compulsions (obsessive compulsive features) which they may or may not even be aware of. I'm definitely not at the level of being diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder but I have more (I hesitate to add the word many but it's probably accurate) compulsions than the average person. Thankfully, non of which effect my quality of life or anything like that and I hope they never do.

So every night and every morning I go through the same routine. This in itself is not unusual but there's more. I actually take a little bit of pride in the fact that I carry everything I need for the night up to bed and back down in the morning for the day. It's nice to do something for myself, unassisted once in a while. Every night I pack my bag, a small purse/messenger bag, to carry upstairs with me. When I reach my room I unpack everything so that it is easily accessible in the night. It was last night that I actually stopped part way through unpacking and recognized another compulsion of mine.

I place my 3 bottles of pills in the same order on my desk each night. Followed by my cell phone beside them, closest to the clock. My glass of water (for the pills) goes on the other side. My e-reader goes on the floor between my bed and desk and leans up against the edge of the desk. On the nights where I have a cooler of ice packs for my foot, which let's face it has been every night for the last little while, it goes beside my desk always facing the same way. I do the same thing in the morning as well. Pack everything up, usually placed in my bag in the same position, and bring it downstairs. Then it is unpacked at my spot on the couch and set in its "place".

Do you think I'm weird yet? I know it sounds like extra work, reading it back after typing it I even think it sounds like extra work, but it's not. I don't think about it as I do it. I put things in their "place" automatically and so really it takes exactly the same amount of time, effort and thought as it would for you to unpack the same bag of things. Mine will just be more organized in the end ;)

Electric Shopping Carts

My last couple posts have been kind of negative so I'd like to get back to some positive. All in all, even with everything I've gone through, I really do like to look for the positive in situations (most of the time anyway). There is no point in focusing on the negative if you can't change it. When you focus on the positive, even if it's really small or minor, it makes even really difficult situations a little bit easier. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it makes everything better but it can make things a little brighter.

At some grocery stores, usually somewhere close to their customer service desk, they may have one or two electric shopping carts. If you have seen them before, I'm guessing there's a chance you thought,"oh it'd be fun to ride around on that". Well guess who gets to use them?! I've had a chance to use one twice now. It makes going grocery shopping kind of fun.

The first electric cart I used was really big. Ridiculously big actually. It was really long with a large basket on the front which made it a bit difficult to maneuver. It was fairly entertaining though, taking wide turns to get down an isle or "pulling over" to let other shoppers get by. While using it I started to worry a little bit about the elderly using the cart. Not to generalize but if an older customer was to use it and perhaps their ability to operate the cart wasn't as good, I could just picture them running into end displays and other shelves. Not good. One older customer who saw me using the cart even commented that I was doing much better than she would. After shopping for a while the cart started to slow down, I think it was running out of power. I was a little worried it was going to die and I'd be stranded. Well not stranded because I had my crutches with me but it would be terrible if someone who couldn't get up and walk was using it and it died.

My second experience with an electric cart was yesterday. It was at a different grocery store and therefore with a different cart. A more reasonably sized cart. It was really easy to get around and pretty fun. It also had a power meter so I knew I still had plenty of power to get around. There would be no surprises and it wasn't going to just stop working. I do get some looks from other shoppers when using it. I don't blame them though. At first they just see a young lady having a good time driving around in an electric cart. I'm guessing they're probably thinking, with some judgement, "why is she using that?" After staring for a bit (which they tend to do), they hopefully notice my crutches. And then for those that are paying attention, they may notice how short my hair is. A length that is very unlikely I'd cut it to. Put two and two together and I believe they accept my use of the cart.

I haven't hit anything or anyone yet but I will keep you posted.

Dear 5am, I Hate You

For several weeks now I've been waking up in the middle of the night, often more than once, and at least one of these around 5am. Sometimes it's 4:30am, sometimes 5:30am. All in all, it's pretty safe to say you will find me awake during the 5 o'clock hour. Obviously I have nothing against the actually hour but what is going on at that time.

When I first got home from the hospital and was waking up around 5am, I believe it had to do with when I was due to take my next dose of pain killers. I've been taking two types of pain killers since my surgery. One I take every 4 hours, the other I take every 6 hours. Most of the time the two are staggered throughout the day and night but at 6am and 6pm I take them both at the same time. This means the pain killers are both at their weakest right before 6 o'clock. Yes, 5pm is often a less than enjoyable hour for me as well. The big difference is that I'm not trying to sleep at that time and likely have other things going on to distract me. Although it makes sense that I was waking up because my medication had worn off, the pain wasn't all that bad and I would take the pills and go back to sleep.

Since the problem with my foot started up, 5am has become somewhat of a nightmare for me. I'm sure I'm waking up for all the same reasons as I mentioned above, but now I have this added problem. Now when I wake up with the lack of pain killers in my system, my foot is often in extreme pain. This makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to fall back asleep. Like I said in my previous post, an ice pack can sometimes give me some minor relief from this pain. My 5am wake ups have become so bad that I put a cooler containing ice packs beside my bed before going to bed. This way I have one on hand at 5am when I need it. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. Unfortunately some nights result in me swearing under my breath as I try to bare the pain.

Thankfully, last night when I woke up around the 5 o'clock hour, I was able to fall back asleep reasonable quick. No swearing involved. I'm hoping I've hit a turning point of some sort. If each night is just a fraction better than the last, I'll be happy.

Pins and Needles

It has been over two weeks now that I've wanted to cut off my foot. I mean, that I have been having some pain in my right foot. It's hard to describe what it feels like but its a combination of burning, tingling, that pins and needles feeling. Two scenarios that I've compared it to are 1. really bad athletes foot (without the athletes foot of course) and 2. really bad sun burn... i think we've all put sandals on in the summer and forgot that you should put suntan lotion on the tops of your feet as well, ouch). For the most part there is some degree of this pain present at all times but usually at a bearable level. A couple times a day and throughout the night though it does get to the point where I think I would rather cut it off. Just to clarify, obviously I would never do this. Just in case you were wondering, I don't want anyone to worry. It's just painful!

Now what to do about it. Well, it seems that there isn't much I can do. I'm already on pain killers. I've used ice packs. Soaked my foot in warm water. Cool water. Put on pain relief creams. Fanned my foot to cool it. Massaged it. I've even tried light exercises trying to improve circulation. Little to no improvement comes from almost all of these. The only thing that seems to give minor relief is ice packs. Unfortunately you can only leave these on for so long. Not to mention, they make me cold.

Unfortunately the pain wakes me up at night and keeps me up. I had to do something! So a week ago I got a new prescription pain killer specifically for nerve pain. Guess what?! It hasn't worked either. I want to say it improved the pain a little bit but I can't tell anymore. If it's helping, it's pretty minor.

In addition to the actual pain, my foot problem is frustrating. I go through this major surgery, an uncomfortable recovery period in the hospital and now as I continue to recover at home it's reasonable to expect that I'll have some pain. Lucky for me I really don't have much, if any, pain associated with my incision.  Granted I am taking some strong pain killers but still. And then to have so much pain in my foot. FRUSTRATING! I think it would be easier to deal with if the pain was where it "should" be.

The Grass Is Always Greener

This weekend I went to an all day, outdoor festival. Being able to get out and do something "normal" felt really good. Not to mention this event has become somewhat of an annual tradition amongst my group of friends so I was pretty excited to be able to attend again this year, even with everything that has gone on. I did have to make some adjustments, such as going in a wheelchair, but for the most part it was just like any other year.

It was a hot and very humid day. Our group, along with many other festival goers, spent much of the day in the shade of some trees. Halfway through the day, about the time the heat was really getting to everyone, another group of people came and sat in the shade next to me. I could hear them saying things like, "oh it feels so good to sit" and just sighing with relief as they sat on the grass. It made me laugh a little. At that moment I would have loved to have stood up and walked around for a bit. Not only was I getting sore from sitting but my legs and back were extra hot from the wheelchair padding. Yes technically it was my choice to use the wheelchair instead of my crutches but I wouldn't have lasted more than an hour or two on them.

Overall it was a great day so I can't complain but the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side" seems to fit. If you're sitting all day, all you want to do is stand up. Walking all day, all you want to do is sit down. We're never happy.

Pain in the Butt

It was about a week ago that I noticed a shift in my pain and discomfort. There hasn't been a big change in the amount of discomfort or the areas effected but something was different. I thought about it for a while and figured out what had changed. At least this is my theory, I'm not saying it's medically correct or anything.

All along, starting just days after surgery, I have had a sore butt. This had more to do with being on bed rest rather than the actual surgery. Over the past couple weeks a few things have changed. I'm no longer on bed rest, I was discharged from the hospital, I can roll onto my side and stomach and I get up to move around more often. All of this results in less time spent laying or sitting on my butt. It made sense that my pain and discomfort should be fading, at least a little bit. But it wasn't. There was little, if any, difference from how I felt the previous week. That is why I've decided the cause of my pain has shifted from sitting too much to more of a muscle pain.

Unfortunately, I can no longer look forward to standing up to relieve some of the pain because that will not work anymore. The new (yet the same) pain can be compared to how you generally feel two days after a really tough, extreme work out. A deep muscle ache that you can't massage out. Primarily through my butt but my right leg as well. As uncomfortable as it is at times I see this as a positive. Now that it's a muscle pain (I think) it seems more likely and "in reach" that the pain will begin to slowly fade.

For the time being I've been saying, "I'm not 100% sure what or where it is but my sacrum hurts" (because part of it was removed). Hopefully I can't say this for much longer.

Pool Time

The weather so far this summer has been pretty amazing. Very little rain and day after day of hot temperatures. Luckily I thought to check with my doctors before being discharged from the hospital to find out if and when I was allowed to go in the pool. Thankfully they had no problem with the idea, as long as I waited a couple days, and actually agreed that it would probably be good for me.

Two days ago, 25 days after surgery, I got in the pool. I wouldn't go as far as to say I went for a swim but I did get in. It really wasn't that much more difficult than it usually is to get in a pool. I'm one of those people who take forever to get in the water. Who has to get in really slowly and freaks out a little bit with each new body part that gets wet. Using one crutch and the handrail I was easily able to get down to the last step, up to my thighs. The very last step, off the stairs and onto the bottom of the pool, was a bit more intimidating. It was at least a foot and would mean I'd be in up to about my bellybutton. The big difference between walking in and getting in with crutches was having to commit to it. Once I hopped down that last step there would be no jumping back out if it was too cold, it wasn't an option. After some hesitation on my part and the fading patience of those waiting and watching with anticipation, I finally got in.

Once I had my foot on the pool floor I traded in my crutch for a flutter board. Using this as my support I was able to balance where I stood. It didn't take long for me to get a feel for the water and how my right leg functioned in it. It was great to have some of the weight and strain alleviated from my right side. I was able to move around by hopping or shuffling on my left foot.

Time for the real challenge. Could I lay down on the flutter board and "swim" (which by the way is a little bigger and more buoyant than an average public pool flutter board). Each time I began to put my stomach onto the board I was afraid that it wasn't going to hold me above the water or that I was going to roll off it. Eventually I shuffled over to the stairs and 'parked' the board on the top step so that it felt more secure. With this I was able to lay down completely on the board. In this position I was able to do some small kicks. Nothing that would actually make me go anywhere, just simply lowering and raising my leg. After I was done doing some leg exercises we stuck a small piece of a broken pool noodle under my ankles and I floated around the pool on my stomach for a while.

Overall, it was a very successful and relaxing experience. And to think, I'm still suppose to be in the hospital and on bed rest. I don't think so.