Bittersweet

SSHHHOOOOOOOOOEESS!!!

My modified shoes were finally ready to be picked up today. There is nothing wrong with my foot so I don't need completely custom shoes made but I do need a significant lift on the right side. Missing the right side of my pelvis means I have no hip socket to hold the head of my femur in place. Therefore, when putting weight onto my right side, the scar tissue that has formed in the area compresses and my femur/leg is able to "travel" higher than normal, having no bone to stop it. This results in a leg length discrepancy (LLD) of about 3 inches.

Having my new shoes is very exciting. They mark the next big step in my recovery. Having shoes that compensate for my LLD should really improve my ability to walk. I will still need crutches to get around but I've been doing a lot of work at physio practicing walking with just one crutch and wearing these shoes should definitely help make that easier. I've worn the shoes around the house a little bit already but I'll really find out how well they work tomorrow when I return to physio (I've been off/home for Christmas this week). One thing we will be taking a close look at will be the lift height. Because my LLD only occurs (to its full extent) when there is weight on that leg, it's difficult to take an exact measurement of the discrepancy. For this reason our measurement of how high my lift should be may not have been exactly correct. I consider this my trial pair of shoes, a starting point. After wearing them for some time I hope to know whether I need my next pair made slightly smaller or larger. Or maybe they're the perfect size.

Leading up to today and even the drive over to pick up the shoes, I've been nothing but excited. The moment I had the shoes and was driving home with them I had mixed emotions. The logical side of my brain knows that these shoes are a big step in my recovery and have the ability to make a significant difference in my life. Another part of me really wishes I didn't need the shoe at all. It's not even that I wish this whole thing never happened to me (although that would be ok with me too) but I do wish I didn't require such a large shoe lift, for the rest of my life. The lift isn't all that subtle, it is 3 inches. It's pretty obvious. I don't really care what people think, but no one wants to be the girl with the ridiculously high shoe lift. It probably doesn't even look that bad but it's still new and seems so obvious right now. I'm sure after wearing the shoes for a while I'll think about it less and less and it won't feel like such a big deal. It will eventually become my normal. But for now, I wish I didn't need it.

A Much Better Christmas Eve

My family never has any big plans for Christmas Eve and this year is no different. The one thing that has changed for us this year is I believe everyone is just a little more appreciative of the low key day. This time last year I was in the hospital, waiting for a blood transfusion and really hoping my doctor would change his mind and agree to let me go home. A couple days earlier I had been hospitalized for febrile neutropenia, a fever with an abnormally low number of white blood cells (aka a fever after chemo), just 4 days after getting out of the hospital from my last chemo treatment. Not having any white blood cells to fight off / protect me from whatever had caused the fever, they really didn't want to discharge me.

Yes, I was the one stuck in the hospital but it wasn't just me who was effected by this. My mom had spent the last couple days trying to plan out how to have Christmas dinner in the hospital. Figuring out what she could make in advance and what could be made there using just a microwave and a kettle. My Dad had spent most of the day in the hospital with me instead of doing last minute shopping like he normally would the day before Christmas. Add to this, he had to wear a mask and gown the whole time because I was in reverse isolation. My brother and sister had to do the same when they came to visit as well.

Lucky for me, my doctor did reluctantly let me go home late in the evening Christmas Eve. I had to have the blood transfusion and I had to agree to come back in for a blood test in a couple days. There was also a good chance he would admit me back in to the hospital after that blood test. All of this was ok by me if it meant I could go home for Christmas.

It wasn't fun but it definitely could have been worse. At least I got out in time for Christmas! Simply being at home this Christmas Eve and not in the hospital is one thing I'm not taking for granted.

First Hair Cut

It's been about 6 and a half months since my last chemo treatment and slowly but surely my hair has been growing back. There was a brief period when I thought I had a chance of it growing back straight but it wasn't long before it was obvious it would grow back curly/wavy just as it was before treatment. In the last couple weeks it went from being similar to a pixie cut to more of a shaggy look but not quite because it has a very distinct curl to it. I decided it was definitely time to get it cut. Not to make it shorter (because I do want to grow it out, I've always had long hair) but to style it. Then as a surprise / Christmas present, a friend of mine told me she wanted to take me to get my hair done. Yay!

I didn't really have a plan or preference of what I should have done. I knew I wanted the back and sides cut shorter, giving the top a chance to grow out more. And we agreed that I should do something really different from my usual hair. I'm lucky in the fact that I get to experience my hair at every length possible, a chance not many woman get or are daring enough to take, so why not take advantage of it and try different styles. Never having hair this short before, I really didn't know what would look best but figured I would just ask the hairdresser what he/she suggested and go with it.

I'm not sure who was more excited about me getting my hair done, me or my friend, which made it really fun. I was so excited leading up to getting it cut, yet nervous at the same time. I was really excited to be doing something with my hair and trying a new look but the idea of cutting my hair after waiting months for it to grow was kind of scary. The one thing that made it easier was not having any real specific expectations for how it would look when it was done.

How did it turn out? I'm very happy with the cut. I think the only thing I'd want to change about it is I'd like the bangs to be a little longer. But seeing they didn't touch the front of my hair, other than to even it out a bit, that isn't something that could have been changed. I'll just have to wait for it to grow some more. I dyed my hair as well because why not. I'm not 100% used to it just yet but I do like it. It's definitely different and that was the point. My absolute favourite part about my new look, whether it suits me or not, is that it was my choice. For the first time in over a year I actually had a say in what may hair looks like and it's surprising how great that feels.

Physio: 50 Visits and Counting

I've been going to physio for 10 weeks now and am extremely pleased with my progress. If you had asked me 2+ months ago how far along I thought I'd be in my recovery by this time, I definitely would have underestimated. It's kind of surprising considering I continue to set high expectation for myself. Sometimes even including the occasional goal that seems unattainable in the opinion of those around me (not that anyone ever comes right out and says it, but you can tell they're thinking it). Since having my surgery though, I've been surpassing the expectations of everyone around me, from my doctors and physiotherapists (both while in the hospital and now out), to family and friends. It's very satisfying to have surpassed even my own expectations. There are some days when I question some of the goals I have set for myself but having both long and short term goals is what keeps me motivated and focused on working towards a more functional future. The support and encouragement I've received from friends, family, and medical professionals has been wonderful and keeps me positive and setting new goals.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have found such an amazing clinic to go to for my physiotherapy. I really couldn't be happier with my physiotherapist. No seriously, I don't think it'd be possible for me to be any happier! But it's not just her I'm thankful for. I also work with a great woman there doing rehabilitative pilates. She's really focused on correcting and preventing any problems I may have with my spine as a result of missing half my pelvis as well as what may come from being on crutches for an extended period of time. As an added bonus, everyone at the clinic is extremely friendly and makes every one of my visits enjoyable. This may seem like a minor thing but in reality it makes a big difference. It means I look forward to going in for each appointment and not just because I'll be furthering my progress but because I enjoy seeing everyone when I go. Staying committed to a daily physio visit could have been really hard but there hasn't been a day in 50 visits when I dreaded going. My physiotherapist and I realised early on, we were really lucky that we got along so well and liked each other because spending an hour a day, every day, with someone you're not too keen on would surely be less than desirable.

I've mentioned before, periodically we take videos of some of the things I do at physio. Being my 50th physio appointment we thought it would be a great day to shoot several videos highlighting the progress I've made so far. I put the video on my YouTube channel the next morning and in 24 hours had over 100 views (nearly 150 views in just 30 hours), a new record for any of my videos in such a short time. If you would like to see the video, check out Jen Physio - 50 Visits Later. There are 14 other videos tracking my progress over the past 10 weeks here as well and I will continue to post videos of my progress as I go.

Staying Active

I officially registered for sledge hockey yesterday. It starts in January and it's 2 hours, once a week, for 10 weeks. I am sooo excited! I signed up for the Skills Development Program because clearly I don't know how to play. It's designed to teach the basics and fundamentals of sledge hockey. Things like balance, mobility, stopping and starting, and the rules of the game. I'll also have the opportunity to participate in exhibition games against other skill development teams in the area.

If you're wondering, what exactly is sledge hockey? Let me tell you...
"Athletes sit on a kind of modified snow sled that has two skate blades under it and a light metal frame that allows the puck to pass underneath. Each player has two short sticks with a hockey blade on one end and picks on the other that they use like ski poles to propel themselves forward. The rest is pretty much the same as the traditional game."

It was actually a couple years ago that I first thought it would be fun to try sledge hockey. I didn't have any mobility issues at the time, I was just interested in trying it because it looked pretty cool and was obviously a sport I had never tried. Anyone who has known me for a while knows that I love trying new sports. To date I've played/participated in...

• Basketball*
• Volleyball* (court and beach)
• Soccer*
• Cross Country*
• Track & Field*
• Badminton*
• Bowling*
• Curling*
• Dance* (Hip Hop, Jazz, Lyrical, Modern)
• Rowing*
• Gymnastics
• Skiing & Snowboarding
• Indoor Rock Climbing
• Rollerblading
• Kayaking
• Water Skiing
• White Water Rafting

* at a competitive level / team you had to try-out for

I also...

• Coached gymnastics for 5 years (I'm certified to teach competitive gymnastics and recreational trampoline)
• Was an instructor at a sports camp
• Currently have an administrative position in the athletics department at a university

Maybe I should have gone to school for something sports related, but I didn't.

As much as I wish I could continue to play all of the sports I love, I'm looking forward to having the opportunity to try several new or modified sports. Sledge hockey is just one of a handful I'm hoping to try. Others include trying a sit-ski or using modified/additional skiing equipment, sitting volleyball (although I do hope to play regularly again one day but it'll be a couple years before I can even attempt that), and wheelchair basketball. And I'm sure there will be other sports I come across in the future that I'll want to try as well. Who knows, maybe I'll love sledge hockey or one of the other new sports I end up trying more than any sport I've played in the past.

Days that Make Me Think

Once in a while I have a day or moment that makes me stop and think. One which makes me so thankful and appreciative of just how far I've come.

This weekend I went to our annual work holiday potluck. It was at our director's house, where it is every year, and so nearly every element of the party was the same as last year's. The one big thing that had changed for me, was me! While sitting in one of the rooms I had this flashback to how I was doing at last year's party. I had been wearing at least four layers of clothing, no exaggeration, most of which were long sleeve / sweaters. Somehow this hadn't been enough and I ended up sitting directly in front of the fireplace wrapped in a blanket. I know I weighed in at only 77lbs about two weeks prior to that party and so I couldn't have weighed much more than that. I was always so cold.

I can't speak for everyone but I'm pretty certain that the majority of my family and friends would pick this time last year as one of the scariest 'stages' of my journey. If there was ever a time when people were worried I wouldn't survive the treatment, it was then. I was extremely underweight and had only completed one chemo treatment. We were terrified I would lose that much weight after each round and if you do the math, physically I didn't have that much weight to lose.

Another thing I was able to appreciate while at the party this year was my energy level. It's kind of funny to think that at the time, I had felt fairly energetic at last year's party. The reason being, it was the day before my next chemo treatment so it would have been the most energy I'd had since my previous treatment. Looking back now though, I know just how exhausted I had been by the time I got home and even at the party. I am so thankful to have a healthy level of energy once again.

Sometimes I get annoyed when I can't do something or am just frustrated with my situation in general, but then these random moments come along and help me remember how much worse it was a year ago and how far I've come since then. Reminds me I am definitely headed in the right direction.

Something to Think About

This is less about me and more just something I'd like you all to think about / keep in mind. Especially those of you who don't live in an apartment/condo building and put your garbage bins out on the sidewalk rather than the end of a driveway.

Walking up my street tonight took twice as long as usual. It was like an obstacle course. The garbage and recycling bins were scattered all over the sidewalk. There were a couple bins I could barely get around and I was standing there debating if I should step off the sidewalk onto the road to get around them. This seemed like a bad idea and so I shuffled along sideways past them when needed. About half way down the street I actually caught up with the garbage truck going along emptying the bins. Once I made it past the truck, things got easier. All the bins were nicely lined up off to one side of the sidewalk. So it would seem it's the garbage/recycling collectors that need a lesson in keeping the sidewalks accessible. Yes it was an inconvenience for me but I was eventually able to get around all the bins and make my way down the street. However, as I maneuvered around some of the stray bins I was thinking, there is absolutely no way someone in a wheelchair or that was relying on a walker would have been able to make it by all these discarded bins.

So next time you're putting your bins out at the curb ask yourself, "can a wheelchair still get by?" And I'm hoping you won't be satisfied until your answer is "yes". Unfortunately you can only be sure the bin is out of the way until it's emptied, then who knows where they will throw it.

New Accessory

Before physio last Wednesday my physiotherapist and I decided to go on a "field trip". We're always looking to and discussing the next progression to getting me walking. We had been considering the possibility of me getting forearm crutches for a little while now. So what better way to decide if this was a good idea or not than to go try some out. So our "field trip" was to a mobility store. Unfortunately the first store we drove to didn't have them, despite having them list on their website. Thankfully they suggested another place that may have them and we headed there.

There were two different models of forearm crutches at this other store and so I tried each of them out for a bit to get a sense for which felt more comfortable and functional. The plan really was just to see if they would work for me and find out how I felt using them. After deciding which of the two were better suited for me, and because we were already there, I bought them. I would have bought them eventually anyway. The only thing we didn't think of until we got back to the physiotherapy clinic was that I can't walk home with two sets of crutches. Thankfully, I don't live too far from there and so I walked home with one set and my physiotherapist dropped the other set off to me later. (Thanks!)

I've been using my new forearm crutches for about a week now. Walking with them I'm not as stable as using my full-length crutches. Yet! And since each set of crutches uses slightly different muscles, my arms and wrists have been noticeably sorer this week compared to usual. They are definitely taking some getting used to. There have been a couple frustrating moments, nothing major has gone wrong, mainly I'm just slower getting around with them. I've had to remind myself a couple time, "this is just day 2 with these (or whatever day it happens to be) ... it's going to take some practice". Sometimes I forget I've been using the full-length crutches for 4.5 months already. Most of the things I do, I don't have to think twice about using the crutches or where/how to place them. It's become second nature. I'm sure with time I'll be saying the same thing about the forearm crutches too.

At the moment I'd say I use the forearm over the full-length crutches about 70% of the time. I haven't figured out how to carry a plate yet while using them, so I switch to my full-length crutches for that. It's also the full-length crutches I put beside my bed when I go to sleep. Until I'm completely comfortable with the new ones, I'd rather not be half asleep and unstable trying to get to the washroom in the middle of the night. I do walk to physio every day with the forearms crutches, but that is only about 5min away. I have yet to venture any farther than that with them, for that I revert to my full-length crutches. However, using the forearm crutches to go somewhere farther away than physio is my next goal.

Budget Buster

It looks like this Christmas is going to end up costing me a lot more than usual.

I started some of my shopping last week and before I even left for the mall I realised I'd only really be able to buy one or two presents/items at a time, depending on their size and weight. Not being able to carry bags in my hands definitely limits what I can buy. I could always get someone to come shopping with me and carry my stuff but I prefer to go during the week/day, when it's less busy, and all of my friends are at work then. So solo shopping it is. On the upside, it gives me a reason to get out / a destination to venture to more often.

Unfortunately, I have this bad habit of buying myself something whenever I go Christmas shopping. In the past this hasn't been a big deal. I usually try to get my shopping done all in one or two big trips, so a present or two for myself isn't all that bad. The problem this year is there will be many more trips needed to finish all my shopping. So far I've purchased two presents for others and what do you know, I've bought myself something each trip. If I continue in this fashion it's going to be pretty painful on my wallet.

I don't feel too bad about buying myself a couple things and have found it really easy to justify. For starters, I haven't done much, if any, shopping the last 13+ months. I didn't even do my own Christmas shopping last year. My aunt was nice enough to volunteer to take my shopping list / gift ideas and do all the shopping for me. Lets face it, I was in no shape to be walking around the malls last December. So it has been nice getting out and doing my own shopping this year. I enjoy buying gifts for others and love that feeling you get when you think you've found the perfect present for someone else.

Hopefully I can keep my personal spending to a minimum. If not, maybe I owe myself a gift or two anyway. At least that's what I'll end up telling myself.

One Year Since ...

I'm starting to think the worst part about this year will be all the 1 year "anniversaries" I have to go through. This year will be filled with days that are one year since so many life changing days, major events, and new experiences. Each one of these days will be filled with a million different emotions. I've always been one to remember dates, significant or sometimes rather mundane. I'm usually happy about this but I'm thinking this year I may wish I couldn't recall all the dates and specifics so easily.

My one year since being diagnosis with cancer was a confusing day. On one hand I was thankful for so many things and seeing how far I'd come in a year and that I was doing well now. On the other, there were so many moments that day when I was brought back to that same day a year ago and the events of the afternoon played out in my head over and over and over. I remembered every feeling and mixed emotion I went through that day. The moments of silence. The tears. The phone call I had to make to my parents. Speaking with my sister. Every detail of every moment is burned into my memory. This is how so many days will play out for me this year.

A couple weeks ago marked the day I sent an email out to all my friends and coworkers telling them what was going on. That really was one of the hardest days emotionally for me last year. I couldn't help but feel like I was ruining the day of each and every person I was sending that email to. And I know not one of them would think of it that way but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to write. I couldn't help but cry and when I hit send I completely broke down. I've realised that this is the day burned into the memory of so many of my friends. That is when this journey started for all of them. It's been interesting over the past couple weeks hearing their side of that day. What they did, where they went, who they talked to. It's humbling to hear just how much your own life can effect someone else.

Today is one year since my first chemo treatment. That day feels like it was so long ago. I found myself more upbeat about reaching this milestone than I thought I'd be. Remembering how much I've endured and overcome this year makes me feel pretty good. I know that I made it through that first treatment and round after round for months to follow. There was so much uncertainty one year ago today, I didn't even know what questions were the right ones to ask. I remember the sleepless night before. The fear of the unknown. Worrying about the possible side effects. The feeling of being at the beginning, so far away from the end, weighing on me. It does feel fantastic to be looking back on the day now though. The simple fact that I can look back on it is enough to make me smile.

I have many more "one year since ..." days to go this year, most of which will be the same kind of flip flop of emotions. But soon enough it'll be one year since ... my last day of chemo ... surgery ... standing up for the first time ... being discharged from the hospital and so many other positive moments/memories. Before I know it I'll be celebrating one year since taking my first unassisted steps (date yet to be determined). Looking forward to these positive milestones is what will keep me focused on the future rather than reliving the past.

Physio: Day 27

It was just over 5 weeks ago that I started going to physio and a little over 19 weeks since I went in for surgery to have a right internal hemipelvectomy. If you have been reading my blog since the beginning you know I have had a handful of accomplishments along the way with only a few set backs. It's hard to say what constitutes a big accomplishment rather than just a minor step in the right direction. This is primarily because everything I've accomplished are things I'm sure each and everyone one of you can do and probably don't even have to think about doing. Even some of the really small things I've tackled getting to this point were really huge at the time. Like sitting up on my own for the first time after surgery. Or taking my first step with a walker and then the next day, crutches. Each accomplishment, big or small, is a very necessary step in achieving my ultimate goal. Walking!

I think it's safe to say physio on Friday makes the list of big accomplishments. I took my first steps with just one crutch. I was also holding the hand of my physiotherapist, well actually just her one finger, for a little extra support/stability. I think part of my holding on to her is a mental obstacle rather than physical. More than anything I want to take that first step with 100% of my weight and without any kind of help but it's kind of scary. For months I had to make a conscious effort not to put any weight on the leg so it could heal properly. Then when I was given the go ahead for some light weight bearing, I had to get used to how it felt when I did so. It was pretty weird at first but is starting to feel more natural. Now I face the mental challenge of trusting that my leg can handle the weight and is stable enough to take that step. So although I needed that extra hand and took each step with a bit of a 'hop', I DID take several steps using just the one crutch. And that's a start!

We've been taking videos periodically at physio to record my progress. It has also been a great way to keep my parents/family from constantly checking up on me because with the videos they can see I'm doing well. We definitely documented these 'big' steps. I've re-watched this video several time over the past 3 days and I smile every time I get to the end and the me in the video has this proud look on her/my face. I also think watching the video is building the confidence I have in my right leg. Seeing myself take the steps, rather than just doing them, is somehow more convincing that the leg will hold my weight. I'm sure the fear will go away with time and practice.

It wasn't until I went to write this post that I realised Friday had been the 27th day of physio. 27 has always been my favourite number. It was even my jersey number on every team / sport I played. Maybe there really is something to lucky numbers.

5 Kilograms

I've always been tiny and likely always will be. Keeping weight on has always been a bit of a struggle for me but never as difficult as this past year. After my first round of chemo, which happened in November (2010), I actually got down to 77 lbs. Following this, my uncle challenged me to reach 100 lbs by Easter. He even gave me a plaque come Easter, declaring me "heavyweight" champion. Although I was a couple pounds shy when he gave it to me, I did reach the 100 lbs a couple weeks later.

Having surgery and being in the hospital for several weeks after, my weight had declined once again. At my last follow up appointment my oncologist asked me why I weighed so little. He even questioned me if I had been leaning on my crutches when I was weighed. I looked right at him and pointed out the fact that they had taken a pretty big bone out of me recently. I don't think he was expecting an answer from me so he was surprised. His face changed to a "damn, that's a good answer" kind of look. He got up immediately and walked the short distance to my surgeon's office a couple doors down. We could overhear him asking what everything had weighed that they had taken out. When he returned to my room he said that I was lucky, my surgeon had backed me up. At least 5 kg had been removed with all of the bone and muscle that was taken. That's 11 lbs. That's a pretty significant amount. Over 10% of my body weight.

Recently I started thinking, what else weighs 11 lbs? What can I compare it to? So I've compiled a list of other things that weigh 11 lbs.

• a turkey large enough to feed about 10 people
• 44 sticks of butter
• 5L of Pepsi
• a very large newborn (ouch)
• 44 cups of flour
• enough flour to make 70 dozen chocolate chip cookies, 840 individual cookies
• 1 tenth of an average 12 year old ... or me :(
• 22 large bricks of cheese or 528 individual cheese slices
• a medium 10 pin bowling ball
• The President's proposed budget (US 2006) which is a 2,400 page document
• and... it takes 11 lbs of force to strangle a human being (the things you learn when you google "11 lbs")

Turns out everything on the list just makes the 11 lbs seem like an even bigger deal / amount though. To me anyway.

I'd say it doesn't matter and I don't answer to anyone about my weight but that's not true. There are several people periodically checking or asking me what I weigh. I've decided and think it's only fair that 89 lbs be my new 100 lbs (100 - 11 = 89). It has taken a couple month since surgery but I am finally hovering around 90 lbs on a regular day to day basis. I know physio is definitely helping me put on some weight as I start to build more muscle. I'm still hoping to gain another 10+ lbs but that could take some time.

Life on Crutches

It's been a month now that I've been back in my own apartment. I couldn't be happier. I haven't needed to make any further modifications to my place other than those my Dad and I made when I first moved back. I've been able to cook, clean, do laundry and all other necessary tasks around my place. That is other than grocery shopping which my boyfriend does for me.

Being on my own for the past month I've been able to get a better feel for "life on crutches". I was already using crutches while at home for 2 month but there were few things I actually HAD to do on my own. There was usually someone around to cook my meal or carry it to the table. I didn't have to do my own laundry (thanks mom) or buy groceries. And I definitely didn't go anywhere alone, I had no way to get anywhere without someone else taking me. So over the past month I've experienced several challenges made difficult particularly because of the crutches but I've also found some pros to having crutches.

Some of the difficulties /cons I've experienced due to crutches include doing my laundry. I actually switch to using a walker, it's the only way I can accomplish this. I have one with a seat on it which I'm able to set my laundry basket on, then I can walk it to the washer/dryer. It takes a lot of energy to get the job done but it's been great knowing I can do it and don't have to ask someone else for help with such an everyday task. As I mentioned above, grocery shopping isn't really a possibility for me. Not being able to carry much of anything really limits the number of items I would be able to purchase. I've talked about the impossible task of carrying an umbrella before and how the world becomes a slippery place for me when it's wet out. I'm nervous for when the snow falls. I don't think walking outside in the snow will be that bad but I'm worried about the ice. The worst part will be that floors in public places seem to stay wet all winter as people track the snow/slush in from outside. Showering has definitely become a more difficult task. I have a shower bench which makes things a lot easier and without which it would be next to impossible. I no longer find the infomercials for those walk in shower tubs as ridiculous. This next con is not something I've tested and I've been good at limiting myself. Going out for drinks just seems like a bad idea. Even with perfect mobility it may be difficult to walk straight after a night out for drinks with the friends. So I think it's best if I don't temp fate. At least for a while.

Now for the oh so important positive side of being on crutches. For starters, getting a seat on the subway is much easier now. There are still those few people who have actually raced me to get a seat first but so far there has always been someone else who will give me theirs. I find that more often than normal, strangers will now hold doors for me. There are many, many, many who don't but it's really nice when someone does. It could be my imagination but I feel like I have received better customer service in many stores. It comes across more of kindness out of pity but they're extra nice non the less. Now if you've ever wanted to decline an invitation to something or leave a party early but didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, crutches can hep you with that. I honestly haven't used my crutches as an excuse to get out of going somewhere but I have had to declined some invitations because of them. The nice thing is, no one makes you feel guilty for saying no as they may have normally. An added bonus of having crutches, I generally have my choice of where to sit. It doesn't seem to matter where I am, people are always offering to let me choose my seat first, even giving up their own office/desk chair in some situations. I've mentioned this before as well, but getting to use those electric shopping carts in some stores has been pretty fun. I never feel guilty taking the elevator. Even if it is only to go up or down one floor. And last but most definitely not least, I can wear track pants anywhere, anytime and no one will judge me. At least I don't feel like anyone is judging me.

There are definitely some big set backs when it comes to using crutches. Some days it can be frustrating and hard to see past these obstacles but for the most part it's not the worst. Just getting a seat on the subway every time and having an excuse to wear track pants everywhere almost make it worth it. Almost.

Ok, I Might Be Stubborn

My TV stand broke the day before my surgery. It was on wheels and the back two wheels basically broke off. So picture the stand tilted backwards and my TV looking very unstable in this position. I had nothing  to use as a substitute other than my dehumidifier. I've been a little preoccupied the past 4 months and didn't have a chance to pick out / purchase a new stand until now. I had the stand delivered to my door because frankly, trying to carry it home from the store seemed like a ridiculous idea and not worth saving $12. It arrived today so I'm very happy. I've waited long enough, TV perched on the dehumidifier, I wanted to get it put together as soon as possible. I like to do things for myself or at least make an attempt and crutches or no crutches that's something that will never change.

I'd be lying if I said it was easy to assemble. But not because the instructions were complicated or anything like that. For starters, the product weighed 50lbs, so even the individual boards were a fair weight. It became an added challenge having to do everything from a seated position (mostly on the floor) and not being able to stand up to put any of the pieces together. It took me much longer than any furniture assembly should take but I did it.

Next problem, getting the stand into place and moving my TV. This seemed like a bit of a daunting task so I started with something easier. I moved all the little things from my old stand, like DVD player and game console, to the new one. Easy enough. I didn't have any great difficulty moving the stand into place either. The only thing left was to actually transfer the TV. It wouldn't have been so bad if the new stand and dehumidifier were the same height but the stand is about 6" taller. To visualize the challenge, just picture trying to lift your TV up and over while standing on just your left foot. Add to this the very strong desire not to drop the TV. When my first couple attempts to move the TV were clearly unsuccessful, I considered waiting until my boyfriend would be over later and asking him to move it, but I was ssooo close to completing the entire "project" on my own. A couple more failed attempts only made me even more determined. In the end, I did end up moving it. I don't even remember how I managed to do it, I definitely don't want to do it again but I've very happy I was able to do it.

The new TV stand is a little wider than my old one and much wider than the dehumidifier.For this reason, I'm thinking I need to move some of my other furniture around. I'll save that for another day though, I'm kind of tired out.

Dear Mom and Dad,
If you happen to read this post, you can yell at me later for "being stupid" ;)

Physio: Day 17

Yes, today was already the 17th time I've gone to physio. The days add up pretty fast when you're going 5 days a week. Both my physiotherapist and I thought it would be quite some time before I had any significant accomplishments or made any noticeable progress, however, we've been pleasantly surprised with how things are going. I'm not ready to ditch my crutches just yet or anything as big as that but I'm on my way.

It was less than a week into physio when I tried riding the stationary bike. It was a bit of a challenge at first. I'd struggle to get the pedals all the way around on each rotation and my right knee/leg would fall over, either to the left or right, if it wasn't held up. With the help of my physiotherapist supporting the knee, often having to sit or squat in an awkward position, I was able to pedal successfully. After about a week I was able to pedal without her help but the leg still wasn't completely stable. It would occasionally fall over or I'd stabilize it a bit with my own hand. Now 3 weeks into physio, I'm able to ride the bike without the need for any support or guidance on the right side. If you were to see me using the bike now you may not even be aware I have any physical limitations. Potentially the most measurable success I've had on the bike has to do with turning it on. If you've ever used any cardio equipment with an electronic display, you know you have to pedal or run for a bit before the machine will turn on and you can make your program selections. At the beginning I would pedal but the bike would remain off. After roughly a week of using the bike I had the display light flickering on and off with about every other rotation. Yesterday I managed to make the display turn on! That was actually really exciting. And I was able to keep it on long enough that we could select a program.

At the beginning of this week we discovered I could use the Elliptical / cross-trainer. Because I'm still only partial weight bearing on the right side I have to support myself using my arms. Although, in order to get the foot pedals to go around, I do need to put a reasonable amount of weight into the leg. As an added bonus, the nature of the equipment helps my leg go through the motions of walking. At the moment I find it easier to "run" backwards than forward, but so far I've only used it 3 times. It can only get easier with more time and practice. I can barely make the display light flicker on and off, so like the bike, we'll know I've made progress when I get it to stay on.

The other noticeable improvement I've made is in controlling the placement of my foot. I spend a lot of time walking forward, backwards, sideways, and stepping over objects. I've had considerable improvement in my ability to place my right foot in a specific spot and control my foot and leg while doing it. I can now take much larger steps to the side, originally barely being able to move my leg at all to the left or right. When lifting my foot over objects, both forward/backward and side to side, we've increased the level of difficult but using objects that are taller. With all of these actions there is visible improvement in my control as well as spatial awareness of the leg/foot. Anything else I've done or have been working on would probably make very little sense if I tried to explain it in words. Definitely more of a visual explanation needed.

I'm not scheduled for a check up with my surgeon for another 10 weeks. This gives me approximately 50 more days at physio (if I continue to go daily) before he sees me. There's no way to predict how far along I'll be in my recovery at that time but if things continue to progress the way they have, I'm sure I'll have something impressive to show him. I'm not sure what he'll be expecting but I would love to surprise him by being further ahead than what he's anticipating.

Transfer Please

Earlier this week and then again this weekend, I finally got up the nerve to take public transit. This would be the first time doing so since having surgery, meaning it was the first time while on crutches. I've been hopping on and off subways and streetcars for over 8 years now but like so many things that once came naturally to me, it too is now a challenge or at the very least a new adventure for me.

There were several contributing factors that made me hesitant to try the subway in my current state. For starters, the sheer number of people I'd encounter and have to deal with. Everyone has somewhere to be and the majority of them, whether intentional or not, are vaguely aware of anything or anyone around them. I worry that someone may push/trip me or one of my crutches. The subway doors are something else that make me nervous. I fear the doors might close on me, it's not like I can run or hop to get out of the way. At the same time, I know I won't be trying to make any last minute attempts to get on before the doors close, I'll wait for the next train. A continuation from my previous post, I'm worried about the floors and stairs being slippery on rainy days. And speaking of stairs, the station closest to my house is not wheelchair accessible so it doesn't have an elevator. There is an escalator that goes up but unfortunately that is the only one. This means I have no choice but to take the staircase down to the subway, actually two staircases down. In addition to this taking a lot of energy on my part, I fear it's another opportunity for me to be pushed. My last hesitation has to do with streetcars. Stepping on and off the streetcar is far from a memorable experience. Therefore, it is no surprise I can't recall how high the first step is, nor can anyone else I asked. Buses have the ability to "kneel" so I have no doubt I can manage there, streetcars however do not and are much higher off the ground. I didn't want to be on my way somewhere only to get to a streetcar and not be able to get on, and if I managed that, get off.

My first subway ride was alone. As luck would have it, it was raining that day. Thankfully I was able to wipe of the ends of my crutches so they weren't wet and for the most part non of the floors were really wet either. I was extra cautious watching where I stepped and made it the entire trip without even the slightest slip. I did my best to avoid the large crowds, traveled between rush hours and waited off to the side after getting off the train letting the majority of people pass before I made my way to the escalator. The one issue I hadn't thought of in advance has to do with getting off the subway. I can't stand up before the train comes to a complete stop. At first this may not seem like a big deal because honestly, there's plenty of time and in the past I rarely got up before it stopped. The problem is I can't just stand up and walk out the door. I carefully get up while balancing on my left foot and have to get the crutches under each arm before I can move, this takes some time. Finally I can make my way to the door and hopefully there is no one blocking my path. I'm thinking I may have to try getting up while the train is stopped one station before where I'm getting off. Then I'll just hang on, and maybe hope for the best as it moves, and I'll be up and ready when the doors open at my stop.

I tried taking the streetcar this weekend but not on my own. Like I said, I didn't want to end up stranded. Something I had not considered, and most likely neither have you, there are two types of streetcar stops. Ones where you board the streetcar right from the road and others where there is a platform of sorts. Stops where the streetcar comes into a subway station or where there is a streetcar "lane" down the middle of a road all have platforms. They are only about the height of a curb, give or take a little, but this cuts the first step onto the streetcar in half. Fortunate for me, the route we took this weekend consisted only of the platform type stops. Although this does mean I still have no idea whether I can get on and off a streetcar from ground level. An adventure for another day I guess.

Enough Rain Already

Is it just me or has there been an exceptionally large number of rainy days this month?!

I have never been a fan of rain or humidity. Having pretty curly hair, and a lot of it, this particular weather has always been my enemy. Even the hint of humidity in the air would turn my hair into a frizzy mess, even if it was pulled back in a ponytail. This was something that did not elude me while going through chemo and I was completely bald. For once I did not dread the rain and humidity. The weather could do what it liked, I had no hair to mess up. Even now, my hair is still short enough that the weather can't do much to it.

Despite my short hair, my hatred for the rain has returned. My problem now is the inability to carry an umbrella. I've tried playing around with different umbrellas to see if there was a way but even ones with a curled handle don't work out. The best I can do is wear a raincoat. The outer shell of my ski/board jacket is waterproof, so I've been wearing that on rainy days. It's not as effective as an umbrella, especially if I want to carry a bag, but it's better than nothing. However, this is just issue one I have with the rain.

Issue two is more of a safety concern. Rain actually terrifies me. I understand how ridiculous this sounds but there's a perfectly rational explanation behind it. The rubber ends of my crutches are great and have fantastic grip... when they are dry. Add water to the mix and they are an accident waiting to happen. There are dangers and hazards everywhere. Just walking down the sidewalk or crossing the street, manholes and any other metal covers become extremely slippery in the rain. With each step I have to be aware of not only where my foot is landing but also where I place my crutches.

Now lets assume I have made it to my destination without incident. Nearly all public places/stores, with the exception of maybe some offices, have tile or hardwood flooring. It's the perfect choice for such high traffic areas, easy to clean. Unfortunately for me, wet rubber has little to no hold on smooth flooring. My only saving grace is when places have a mat at their entrance. Here I can wipe off the ends of my crutches. I'll stand there for a good minute twisting each crutch into the mat, trying to dry it off as much as possible before I dare step off the mat.

I have yet to take the subway but I'm sure I will sometime soon. I fear the day I have to take it in the rain. Not only will the floors and stairs be slippery, there is no mat to wipe my crutches on, and it already makes me nervous anticipating the number of people that may be hurrying to get around me.

Thankfully I have yet to fall. I'm really hoping to keep that statistic to zero. Twice I have had my crutch slip out from under me because it was wet, both times on the right side. To keep me from falling my right leg instantly had to support much more weight than it's use to. It freaked me out more than it hurt but it definitely wasn't comfortable. I could do without anymore close calls as well.

In conclusion, STOP RAINING!!!!!!

Today is My January 1st

I woke up this morning and realized, this is the start of a new year for me. After October 18th last year, almost everything I did or missed out on doing was a direct or indirect result of being diagnosed with cancer. By no means will this coming year be an easy one, there's still the minor detail of learning to walk again, but it's bound to be better than the last. For starters, although it's not medically correct to say it, I'm now cancer free. All scans/tests done since my surgery, including ones done just two weeks ago, have been clear of any signs of the disease. Add to this, I've already begun physiotherapy. That alone seemed so far away when I was lying in the hospital 3 months ago. Finally seeing that the recovery process is under way and I'm headed in the right direction has made it much easier to picture a positive future and outcome.

Much of the last year was a rollercoaster of health. I took a beating with each and every round of chemo, effecting my energy, weight, and overall feeling. Then there was always another solid week of unpleasant side effects to get through. Thankfully there was usually a couple days, up to a week, before the next treatment when I felt a little stronger, ate a little more and felt a little more like myself. But the next round was always just around the corner, ready to kick me back down. Surgery was a similar situation.

What I'm looking forward to most about this new year is the progression, both in my everyday life and at physio. There's no doubt I'll face some challenges, big and small, but that just means I'm trying something new or pushing to the next level. There will be a lot of trial and error involved with much of my rehabilitation but my overall outlook for this year is one of improvement. As far as walking is concerned, it can only get better from here.

This year will likely have just as many memorable moments as last but I hope they are memorable for reasons of accomplishment and celebration. With each new day I plan to, literally, take another step in the right direction. Ultimately heading towards a full recovery.

Unwanted Anniversary

It has been an extremely long year in so many ways. In others it seems like just the other day I was hearing the word tumor for the first time in reference to myself. It has been a real whirl wind of information, tests, treatments and hospital stays. It's really difficult to summarize the ups and downs of the past year in just one post. Instead of some long winded, never ending ramble, I've decided to go with a count down of my year since being diagnosed with cancer.


365 days since being diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma

157 (approx) blue trays delivered / meals provided in the hospital. 47 (approx) of which were actually eaten by me (99% being boxed Rice Krispies cereal for breakfast)

96 staples removed (83 staples after hemi pelvectomy + 13 staples after biopsy)

77 lbs, my body weight low (very scary)

69 days in the hospital (not counting any "day trips" for appointments or tests)

47 different visitors while in hospital, totaling 100s of individual visits

44 get well / thinking of you cards (including 1 GIANT whale card from my coworkers)

40 days of chemotherapy / over 30 weeks / done in 10 rounds

38, the magic number/temperature that meant I had to go straight to the hospital emergency room

35 prescriptions filled

33 blog posts, make that 34

21 insurance claims totaling $38,126.67 - sorry Sun Life (and to think that total doesn't even include everything OHIP covers)

17 days that I kept the diagnosis a secret from friends and coworkers as I waited for more results/details, during which time I continued to go to work and socialize with friends

17 flower bouquets / potted plants

16 hours of surgery (12 hour hemi pelvectomy to remove right half of pelvic bone + 3 hour surgical biopsy to determine type of cancer and stage it + 1 hour, awake, to insert portacath)

11 different head scarfs / hats worn + 1 wig

10 needles at $2,743.65 each

9 "fever watches" (closely monitoring my temperature as it hovered around the edge of having to go into emerg)

9 stuffed animals (3 bears, a kitten, a bunny, a little frog, a ram/mascot named Eggy, a dog named Jellybean, and a giant round monkey I named Paul Winston)

4 personalized t-shirts (thank you girls)

4 MRIs (plus at least 9 other xrays/scans)

3 prayer shawls made for me

3 blood transfusions (8 bags)

2 hospitalization for febrile neutropenia - fever with an abnormally low number of white blood cells (aka a fever after chemo)

2 helium balloons

2 nights spent in the hospital room next to "Mr. Smith" (aka Jack Layton)

1 spa night in the hospital (thanks to my sister)

1 book club in the hospital (it was my turn to host)

1 right hemi pelvectomy (surgery)

0 times throwing up from chemo!!! (just a couple close calls)

It's easy to be overwhelmed by the past year when you focus on all the negative or unfortunate points. However, if you look back over this list you'll see that nearly half the points are positive. Yes there are definitely some negatives from the year that can't be counted and are missing from the list, like the side effects of chemo, but there are just as many positives. Things like celebrating my birthday with a perfect night in with the girls. My boyfriend spending the night at the hospital on a cot set up beside my bed. Showing up to dinner with a friend, only to find out (surprise!) all my friends are there to celebrate the end of my chemo treatments. Or my girlfriends bringing an afternoon on the patio right to my hospital room, complete with food, sunglasses, a make shift sun, and "root"beer. All we can do is make the best of the hand we're dealt and when the situation calls for it, fight. Fight to preserve some of the normalcy in your life. Fight to keep a smile on your face. Fight to survive!

A big thank you to all the friends, family, and medical professionals in my life, I couldn't have made it through the past year without you.

Physio: Day 1

I finally got the reaction I've been looking for. But I will come back to that in a moment.

Today was my very first physiotherapy appointment since getting out of the hospital. My surgeon gave me the go ahead for physio after my 2 month follow up. He was happy with my recovery so far and determined that the scar tissue had filled in enough and was doing what it needed to for me to progress to the next step, physio and putting weight on my right leg. By no means can I put all my weight on the leg just yet but I have tried putting a little weight on it each day.

I booked my physio appointment last week and have been looking forward to, as well as fearing the appointment ever since. I was excited to start the next part of my recovery and the sooner I started physiotherapy, the sooner I might be walking again. At the same time, the idea of starting physio was a little scary. I know they say the only true failure is never trying, or something like that, but I prefer to try new things on my own. That way if I happen to fail no one sees me. I know they aren't really failures when you're trying to push yourself to the next level of recovery but it's hard to remember that sometimes. Especially when it's something that should be so easy as... well walking. Fear or no fear it was time to start physio.

Now back to the reaction. I brought along a copy of my pelvic xray to give the physiotherapist a better idea/image of what exactly I had done. Yes I had filled in the line on the new patient form that wanted the reason for coming to physio and I could explain, as best I can, what was done, but nothing says it like actually looking at that xray. Her response to seeing the xray was perfect. Exactly what I had been looking for from the xray technicians a month ago. Finally! Even with her training and background, it was like nothing she had ever seen before.

I feel a whole lot better about going to physio now. I really like my physiotherapist. It probably doesn't hurt that she's excited and intrigued by my case. She's young and very nice. She sounds like she knows what she's talking about but wasn't afraid to admit that she wasn't 100% sure what approach to take with me and that she wasn't able to give me a timeline for progression. She wants to get in touch with my surgeon and aquire some more information about the surgery before she can create a complete plan for me. If she had dived right in without hesitation I would have been very sceptical.

The other great thing about this place, other than it's only 215m from my apartment, is they are a collaborative practice that has doctors, chiropractors, a chiropodist/podiatrist, rehabilitative pilates and other specialties. As I progress we'll be able to take advantage of these other areas for my rehabilitation and eventually having a shoe lift made. Although she did joke that she didn't want to share me with anyone else.

I'm sure it will be some time before I have a significant update but as soon as I have anything worth mentioning, I will.

Happy Turkey Day

I'd like to wish all my Canadian readers a Happy Thanksgiving. It may be predictable but in the spirit of the weekend it only seemed appropriate to do a post about what I'm thankful for. Here goes...

• surviving cancer (guess this should probably be #1)
• parents that were there for every chemo treatment, hospital stay and recovery period following each of these
• a brother and sister who in someways had to take a backseat to me and my new diagnosis and who still found time in their busy lives to visit me
• a boyfriend who's had to take on so much more than any should have to
• friends who have gone above and beyond any expectation I may have had
• the kind words, cards and gifts from friends, family and even friends of family, in the hopes of making my days even a little better
• to still have my right leg (5+ years ago, I'm not sure that would be true)
• for progressing in my recovery much faster than any of my doctors anticipated
• to be back in my own apartment
• that doctors believe there is a good chance I'll walk again unassisted one day
• my job is waiting for me when I'm ready to go back
• and because today is only a Canadian holiday, there was still a new episode of Ellen for me to watch today

For these and a thousand other reasons I am thankfully to be alive today!

One is the Loneliest Number

... or is it?

I've been officially on my own since Tuesday at approximately 9-10pm. This made Wednesday the first day in 3 months that I was completely alone. I woke up that morning in such a good mood. It felt fantastic to be back in my own apartment. To have slept in my own bed. To just be on my own. I had time in the morning to eat my breakfast and slowly wake up without anyone trying to strike up a conversation. Too bad this feeling only lasted for a couple hours.

Part of my typically morning routine involves checking my email or going online for some other reason. Unfortunately my internet had not worked since I arrived on Monday, so no email today. I flipped channels on TV for a while and sorted through all my junk mail, little things to keep me busy. It wasn't long before I found myself bored. I had no one to talk to and no internet to communicate with friends. It was the middle of the day so I couldn't even call anyone because I'd be bugging them at work. I started wondering whether this had been a good idea. Maybe I should have stayed at my parents longer?! Maybe I wasn't ready to move back?! What if I needed to move home again in a couple days? All things I really didn't want to believe or consider. I had my answer just a couple hours later.

"Eat yet?" - text from my Dad

ggrrrrr! Yes I had eaten, both breakfast and lunch. I was even considering having another small meal in an hour or so and it was only 1:39pm. My answer was followed by yet another text of questions. I was reminded of how happy I was to be back in my own place and was now anything but lonely.

The following day, Thursday, I received a phone call from my mom around noon. "Just checking in."

Last night, Friday, I got an email from my Dad asking about physio. All in good fun, with a hint of seriousness, this was my response.
"So texts Wednesday. Phone Thursday. Email Friday. Should I expect a telegram or messenger pigeon tomorrow? I'll keep the window open for him."

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the concern. It'd just be nice if my life could go back to normal with the flick of a switch. I'm sure it's going to take a lot more time and adjustment for everyone involved.

The Great Escape

I officially ran away from home. Well not so much ran as got a ride. Where did I run to? MY home! I finally made the move back to my own apartment. I've been living at my parents' house since being discharged from the hospital following surgery. It's been 3 months since my surgery and a little over 2 months living at my parents. When I was 18 I moved away from home to attend university and the plan was never to move back in. It's no secret, life doesn't always go as planned and we are forced to make new plans.

I had been more than ready to move out of my parents' for quite some time. Unfortunately that's not the same as being ready to move back into my apartment alone. First I needed to build up more strength and be able to make and carry all my meals. And perhaps most importantly, I had to convince my parents that I was ready to move back and live alone. Over time, primarily this past week, I proved that I could cook meals for myself. I got my own drinks and occasionally carried my own plate. Like I stated in my previous post, I drove. Not that this was a requirement, I don't have a car here, but it did show that I was getting stronger. I also worked out solutions to a couple issues I was going to run into. Thankfully I have a great boyfriend who is willing to do my grocery shopping. If I have the energy I can certainly go with him but there's no way I'd be able to carry the groceries home. Laundry may be a bit of a challenge but I'm lucky to have my own machines which means I don't have to carry it down the street or anything like that. I have a walker here and hopefully I can set my basket on it and push/carry it that way. My parents had one last test for me before I was allowed to leave. They made me lay on the floor and then get up again. The reason behind this was to see if I could get up from the ground if I fell. With that successful demonstration I was allowed to leave.

Making the move back was going to take some extra planning and participation from more than just me.

Saturday - Monday
Packing. It's not that I had a whole lot to pack but I thought it best to spread it out over a couple days. My energy level still leaves much to be desired so I tire easily. Not to mention i don't enjoy packing so I get distracted easily and find excuses to do something else, so starting early is always a good idea.

Sunday
Grocery Shopping. I asked my mom to take me grocery shopping so I could stock my apartment with food. It's much easier and I can buy many more groceries with a vehicle than trying to carry the groceries home. Deciding to do the shopping while still at my parents' was to save my Dad from having to take me shopping when we got here, he would be driving me to my apartment. It's not that he wouldn't have taken me but I'm sure it's not his favourite thing to do. The hardest part about shopping in advance was having no idea what I did or did not have in my cupboards or how much room I had in my freezer.

Monday
Moving Day. Most of this day was spent finishing up my packing. I wouldn't be much help loading the truck so I left that up to my Dad. He and I left after dinner and made the 2 hour drive to my apartment. While he unloaded the truck, starting with the coolers and bags of food, I unpacked all my groceries. Following this all that was left for me to do was unpack a suite case, I was sending it back with my Dad. There was more to unpack but I could do that slowly throughout the week. His list was a little longer. I asked him to unhook the automatic closing system on my screen door. With this engaged it was very difficult for me to come in and out through the door. Requiring one hand to hold the door open left me a hand short to effectively use my crutches. Next my Dad went about putting together my shower transfer bench (I can't get in and out of the shower without it) and installing the arms onto my toilet (these make it easier for me to balance).

Tuesday
Doctors Appointment and More Apartment Alterations. It was a long day at the hospital, 8am to 3pm, with a 2 hour window mid day when we had a chance to grab food. For the record, there was nothing but good news! Back at my apartment there were a couple more changes to be made. The door to my laundry room is also self closing so my Dad installed a flip down door stop. Problem solved, right? No! It's easy enough to kick the stop down with my crutch but much more difficult to flip it back up. In anticipation of this problem he drilled a hole in the door stop before we left on Monday. He looped a string through the hole and then tied the other end to the door knob. Now I can pull the door stop back up using the string. The last thing he put up was a towel hook in my bathroom. I have a towel rack only feet away on the wall opposite the sink but I can't reach it without using my crutches which isn't ideal with wet hands. Now I have a hand towel right beside the sink. My place was finally "Jen ready". I can't tell you how many times my Dad asked if I was sure there was nothing else I needed him to do before he left. You can't blame him, me moving isn't just a big step for me but for my parents as well. I'm sure they're worried.

The last couple day have been pretty busy, especially compared to my normal routine, but I'm finally on my own.

First Drive

It seems a silly thing for a 26 year old to be celebrating but yesterday marked another first for me since surgery. I went for a drive! And no I don't mean I rode around in the passenger seat. I was driving. For a couple days now I'd been thinking I was ready and yesterday I decided to finally give it a try.

I'd gone into town with my mom and on the way home I asked if I could drive us the rest of the way. We live on the outskirts of a small town and I had waited until we were off the main roads so there was very little, if any, traffic around. We switched seats and I got myself positioned behind the wheel. I spent more time than usual making sure I was in a comfortable position and more importantly in a functional position. I have nearly all the function of my lower right leg, from the knee down. The problem is with my upper leg between the knee and hip. My body has yet to relearn and find new ways for this area to move properly. For instance, if I'm sitting in a chair I cannot lift my leg/thigh up off the chair. And I would not be able to move my leg, under its own power, to the right or left so I could slide over on a bench or couch. I can however kick my leg out straight when sitting because it's only the bottom half of the leg moving. This was all very important when deciding how to position myself for driving.

Before I would consider taking the truck out of park, I checked several things. I made sure my seat was close enough that my foot could not only reach the petals but that I would be able to press both the gas and break down fully. I checked to make sure my leg was strong enough to press the break down fully. Then I made sure I could move my foot from the gas to the break and back again. Yes, yes and yes! Good to go. I shift into drive.

I don't think I've ever driven more cautiously in my life. Maybe 10 years ago when I was first learning to drive but for the most part this was the exact same situation, learning to drive all over again. I drove off down the road, below the speed limit. I braked way in advance for the coming corner, smoothly, but early. I didn't go for a long drive, maybe 10km, just around a couple blocks lined mostly by farms and forest. I don't plan on driving around town quite yet and I definitely won't be venturing out onto the highway any time soon. Just knowing I CAN drive is enough for me for the time being.

Every time I tell someone I drove, they assume I must have done so with my left foot. Or at the very least, with both feet. When I correct them and explain that I drove just as they would, with their right foot, I'm usually met by a look of shock. It often changes quickly to them being impressed. This is when I remember, it is a big deal and not just another day! But like I said, it seems a silly thing for a 26 year old to be celebrating. I went for my first drive.

Goosebumps

To say I've had some numbness in my right thigh since surgery would only be half the story. While going through chemo I experienced some numbness in my thigh and more noticeably in my finger tips. The numbness in my finger tips became a frequent occurrence that came and went. It was most apparent directly after a round of chemo and would last for a week or so and then slowly fade away; only to return after the next round. The numbness in my thigh was less obvious and I only really noticed it when I would intentionally run my hand along it. (side note: numbness can be a side effect of chemo)

Following surgery the upper half of my right leg, along with the right side of my butt, was all numb to some degree. Part of this was due to the morphine epidural (I had it in for 3 or 4 days), some was from having so many nerves moved around and stretched during surgery, and some of this was from the chemo. The feeling came back to most areas while I was still in the hospital recovering. To all areas but my right thigh. I was hoping that it too just needed time and that eventually the feeling would return there as well. So far, no luck. The numb area has not really effected my day to day, it is more of an annoyance. I can still feel pressure applied to that area of my leg, it seems to be just the skin that has no feeling. It can be a little uncomfortable or just odd feeling to have something sitting on my lap, like my laptop. And when I have an itch, it's impossible to scratch. Somehow I can feel the itch but not my nails scratching it. Also, it can be dangerous for me to use electric heating pads on this area because I wouldn't notice if my skin was over heating or even burning. As a result, I've been using heating bags you warm in the microwave instead because they cool down naturally as you use them.

Now for my discovery.

The other day I had goosebumps as a chill ran through my body. You may be thinking, "So what? We all get goosebumps once in a while." Agreed! Sometimes you'll get them from a chill. Other times they'll be the result of a high level of emotion such as fear or romance. The thing that caught my eye was what happened on my leg. Or rather, what didn't happen. As the goosebumps appeared I had a nearly perfect outline of the numb area on my leg. There wasn't a single goosebump within the area. I understand that this makes perfect sense, I had just never thought about it before seeing it that day. I sat there for a moment and traced the outline of the area, back and forth, just to see if it really was the edge of the numbness. That might seem a bit silly but it was interesting to see that the line was not straight or more clear cut, it was like a wave with some peaks / indents. On one hand it was really neat to see but at the same time, it was somewhat unsettling to have the visual.

I'm still hopeful that the feeling will return to the area but it seems a little less likely as each day goes by.

Successful Day, With Minor Adjustments

First off, if you are wondering, I went with the wig for the wedding. I really did struggle to make the decision. In the end I didn't choose to go with the wig because I don't like my short hair or because I think the wig looks better than my natural hair at the moment. Two days before the wedding I but on my dress and was determined to make up my mind. Surprisingly, the answer came to me within seconds. I put on my wig and as soon as I did I noticed it covered my portacath and the scar from where it was put in. Neither are overly obvious but they are visible and somewhat odd looking. So if I could cover them up I was going to take advantage of that. Decision made!

Wedding Day!!! (as maid of honour, not bride... don't get ahead of yourself)
My day started with getting up 2 hours earlier then I normally would. And I was out the door at least 3 hours before I'd typically be ready (or willing) to go anywhere. Off to the hair salon for hair and makeup. I obviously didn't need to get my hair done, I did that on Thursday, but it was nice to see the other girls get theirs done. A part of me was sad not to be getting mine done as well, I miss my long hair, but it did save me money. Just before leaving I thought to ask the girl who did our makeup if she had anything that would cover up the scar from my port. I'm so happy I did. With the application of a couple quick products my scar had all but disappeared, she was able to make it practically invisible.

Time to get dressed. Unfortunately I wasn't much help in this area. Usually the maid of honour is there to assist the bride with her dress, getting it on, tying up the back, etc. Balancing my weight on only one leg and having to use crutches made it too difficult to accomplish any of this, thankfully there were two other bridesmaids to help out. They also had to step in for me when it came to holding the bride's bouquet during the ceremony or straightening out her train.

Pictures. For all "staged" pictures, both before and after the ceremony, I did not have my crutches in them. With a little bit of work we were always able to get me into position and then pass my crutches off to someone else who was watching. Balancing on my left leg proved to be more difficult than usual though because I was wearing heels, at least they weren't too high and were wedges. As long as I had someone to put my arm around, something to hold on to or lean against, I was able to balance.

The ceremony and reception were pretty standard for me other than one terrifying aspect. I really do mean terrifying, to the point were I had trouble falling asleep the night before. You may be thinking, oh your maid of honour speech. While that made me nervous through dinner, waiting for the moment I had to get up, it wasn't terrifying. The wedding took place in a park and so the isle we were walking down was grass. Add to this, it was down a fairly steep hill. Now add to this, it poured rain all night the evening before the wedding. The forecast kept changing and we'd all been hoping the rain would stop for the wedding day. It was the night before the wedding, all of a sudden I realised that even if the rain stopped the grass may very well still be wet and therefore slippery. All night I kept picturing myself slipping on the grass and sliding down the hill on my butt. Even if the grass was dry, there was still a 50/50 chance I was going to fall getting down that hill. I even told the photographer ahead of time that I may look terrified the entire time I was walking down the hill but I'd smile once I reached the bottom. Thankfully I did not fall!

Overall it was a very successful day and I'd do it again if I was asked. But I am happy to check such a long day off my list of things to do. After 13 hours of being out and about, around 10pm, I HAD to go home. I'd have liked to stay until the end of the night but I was exhausted and starting to feel unwell. Turns out it was good that I left when I did. No more than half an hour after being home I actually threw up. I'm pretty sure it was just from sheer exhaustion.

So even though it's good for me to get out and about and build up my strength and endurance, that may have been a bit of an overkill. I think I'll go back to taking it one step at a time with smaller outings and tests of endurance.

Hairdo

It was about 4 weeks ago, while in a Subway restaurant, that I received a compliment on my hair from a complete stranger. It came from this bubbly young girl working behind the counter. She was quite talkative and had been socializing with each and every customer as they went through the line. She said she really liked my hair and how it was very "in" right now. The short cut is becoming a very popular choice and so I did believe that part of what she said. I had trouble believing that my hair look as good as she said though. I have always had long hair and so it's taking some getting used to seeing myself with an extremely short 'cut'. Even if she was being sincere, she was a little too enthusiastic for me to take her word.

Slowly but surely my hair is growing. That's kind of how it works. My hair is now at a length where if you didn't know me you could easily be undecided as to whether I cut it this short or it was growing back. Weeks before now I would have disagreed with this statement. At this point in time I am by no means embarrassed to go out in public without a hat, head scarf or wig. Come to think of it, other than the occasional hat, I don't believe I've worn any of these out since my surgery which is around the time my hair began to grow back. And the hat was usually for sun protection rather than shame. Confidence to go out in public without covering my hair does not however mean I think my current style looks good. Therefore, reassurance from others never hurts.

Just days ago I was at a hair salon, going along with my friend for her wedding hair trial. I am the maid of honour in her wedding next weekend. Before leaving we wanted to make sure we had all the details of our appointment straightened out for the big day. When the girls working at the salon realised I would not be getting my hair done they cautiously asked why. Not bothered by the question in the least, I let them know I actually had a wig to wear.

- Side Note - I bought a wig back in May for two main reasons. (1) To wear to a very close friend's wedding in June. I really didn't want to get all dressed up and have to wear a head scarf. I was completely bald at that time. (2) To wear in the wedding next weekend. At the time I had absolutely no idea whether I would have hair come September and if I did how much I would have. Most of all, being in the wedding party and all of the wedding pictures, I wanted to look my best for my friend the bride. Not that she would care if I came completely bald or wearing a scarf but I wanted her to have pictures she loved. So yes, overall the wig was for weddings but I had coverage for it so I thought, why not.
Ok, back to the story.

Not bothered by the question in the least, I let them know I actually had a wig to wear. All of the girls at once were like, "no no no you can't wear a wig" "don't wear a wig" "no". Then they paused for a moment before saying in their own words, "sorry, I don't mean to say you can't or shouldn't wear a wig. I just think you really don't need to". This led to quite a lengthy discussion on how much they all loved my hair and how it really suited me. By the end of it I was somewhat uncomfortable, flattered but uncomfortable. I'm really not used to getting compliments like that. Don't get me wrong, I left there feeling very good about myself. Like I told the stylists, if I was going to trust anyone's opinion on my hair, it was going to be theirs. They know what they're talking about.

The big question now, "What to do for the wedding?" Wig or no wig??? I've been back and forth a hundred times and am no closer to making a decision. The bride says she would be happy either way and my family have not been much help making the choice. I may have to flip a coin. I'm a little attached to the wig because I have always had long hair and so it seems natural. On the other hand, each day I get more and more used to this length being me. I have 5 days left to make this decision, hopefully I'll be inspired one way or the other between now and Saturday.

Ice Pack Free (A Foot Update)

It has been nearly two weeks now that I've gone without needing an ice pack on my foot to combat the pain. I can't begin to explain what a relief it was when I started to notice a significant improvement in my right foot. Although I was still aware of my foot (you don't usually think about them) it no longer occupied my every waking conscious thought. So things were good. It has only continued to get better each day. Not only am I ice pack free (yay!) but my foot is no longer swollen or extremely sensitive to touch any more. An added bonus to all of this is not waking up as often throughout the night. I'm far from sleeping through the entire night but I'm making progress.

*This is a follow up post to Pins and Needles

Reason to Get Out of Bed

At 26 I am far from the target audience for day time television. I'm not a fan of soap operas and there are few talk shows I'll watch. This does not leave much. I do however have a day time television weakness. I love the Ellen Degeneres Show.

The one great thing about being on sick leave is being home to watch Ellen. If I have to be sick, at least there are some upsides to the situation. Ellen comes on at 10am on the channel I watch on. I know this must not sound very early for those of you getting up and going to work every morning but for me it is. Considering I rarely sleep for longer than 2 hours without waking up, at least briefly, 10am doesn't really feel like sleeping in. This being said, it's helpful to have a reason and some motivation to get myself out of bed each morning. This is where Ellen comes in. Whether it was during the months of chemo treatments, through what seemed like endless hospital stays or now recovering at home from surgery, I always had Ellen to look forward to.

Her positive attitude, kind heart, love of dance, and general desire to help those around her is always refreshing. Her interviews are typically positive and upbeat. You can't watch an entire show without smiling. I dare you. In addition, Ellen often features others on her show who are making a difference in their own community. I can't help but think all of the positivity on her show is contagious. I usually feel a little better after watching her, even if it doesn't last me the entire day.

Today was an exciting day, Season 9 Premier. I've been watching reruns of the show throughout the summer and some mornings it just wasn't enticing enough to lure me out of bed. With new episodes I have that extra push I need to get going in the morning again. It may seem a little silly but I think having a guaranteed way to start my morning on a positive note makes finding the good in my day just a little bit easier.

Welcome back Ellen and thank you for giving me a reason to get out of bed!

Anticipated X-Ray (follow up)

Good News:
After reviewing the x-rays, my doctors and surgeon had nothing but good things to say. There were no surprises and everything is healing as it should be.

Disappointing News:
The x-ray technicians were not in the least bit shocked when they took my x-rays. I'm guessing that somewhere on the requisition it made mention of why I was having the x-ray / what surgical procedure I had undergone. It's really too bad. I was looking forward to their shocked reactions. Guess I'll just have to wait until I need an x-ray for another unrelated reason (when they won't have the heads up) to shock anyone.

Bonus News:
I was given the go ahead to start physiotherapy. Nothing major but it's a start. Due to this next step, I was given a print out of my pelvic x-ray. This way I can provide the physiotherapist with a visual, along with a verbal explanation, of what was done to me. We all agreed that the name of the procedure alone would likely not be enough information for them to understand my situation. I've shown the print out of my x-ray to a couple people now and I've enjoy watching each and every reaction. Everyone who has seen it thus far already had a detailed understanding of what had been done. Even with this knowledge they tend to stare at the image in bewilderment. I even find myself looking at it thinking, "How is that possible?"

Anticipated X-Ray

Tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for! Or at least a day I've been waiting for.

I have been looking forward to this day for some time now. The anticipation started back before my surgery. After finding out what was going to be done during my operation, the complete removal of the right side of my pelvic bone, I started thinking about this day. Obviously it wasn't immediately after or on the same day but after getting the news I began to look for the 'positives' in the situation, some humorous, some more serious. This was one of them.

Tomorrow I will be having an x-ray done as part of a checkup. Of course it won't be my surgeon or any of my doctors administering the x-ray but an x-ray technician. This being said, when you have an x-ray done they do not have your entire medical file. The only thing available to them is the requisition for the x-ray being done. In my case, chest and right pelvic x-ray. Now this is the best part. Without my medical chart or any background information, the technician has no idea what has been done to me or what my medical condition is. His/her only clue would be my crutches and I may have them for any number of reasons.

Perhaps it's a little cruel but I have to get my laughs somehow. My ideal scenario goes a little something like this. Tomorrow I go in for an x-ray. I change into the required gown. The technician calls me in, gets me into position and then leaves the room to "snap" the x-ray. He/she comes back into the room, noticeably confused but trying to keep a neutral expression. I'm then asked some vague question regarding any previous surgeries or something like that. I'd love to respond (with a lie) that I've had nothing done or at the very least pause long enough like I'm having a hard time coming up with anything. I'm not sure that I'll have the guts to go through with this though. Lets say I do. Following my reply, I can only anticipate a worried look creeping across the technician's face. They would try to maintain the same calm facial expression but I'd see the change. At that point I'd fill them in on my surgery. Don't want them freaking out inside or panicking for too long.

As with all things, I'm sure this won't go exactly as I imagine it. In all likely hood, most of this won't come true. It would be really great if it did though. At the very least I'm sure the technician is going to be quite shocked/surprised. I can only imagine their face(s) in the other room as my x-ray comes up on the screen. Absolutely nothing appearing where a fairly large and very important bone should be.

Guess we'll see how it plays out tomorrow.

Electric Shopping Cart, Take Three

As I'm sure you have put together from my title, I had another electric shopping cart experience. It was with the better of the two carts I'd used before and so I was happy to be on the more maneuverable, power level showing, cart.

I had been driving around the store problem free for quite some time already. It was later in the evening and I was getting kind of tired and I started to pay less and less attention to my driving. It's not like the carts go all that fast or are complicated to drive so I didn't think much of it. Just a couple isles left to go. I'm excited that we're almost done. Now I'm heading down the baking isle. All of a sudden I remember that I wanted to make cupcakes for my friend's birthday. I'm cruising along at a steady crawl and show off a little by swiping a can of frosting off the shelf as I scoot by. This was so successful that I figure, why not go for the cupcake box as well.

I never said I was going to make cupcakes from scratch. Betty Crocker is my specialty!

So anyway, back to grabbing the box. I'm continuing on past the rest of the icing, now I'm scanning the boxes for the mix I'm looking to buy. I see it! Just as I grab it, another part of me becomes aware that I am very close to the end of the isle. I look up in that moment and ... there's an end display that is sticking out making the end of the isle about 8 inches narrower than the rest of the isle. Needing to grab the items from a seated position, you can imagine my proximity to the shelf / side of the isle. As soon as I see the display I release my grip on the handle. This cuts the power to the cart but I still have a little momentum. I smack right into the display. Lucky for me I'd slowed to a roll before I hit so nothing fell over or off the shelf.  However, metal on metal, I made quite a bit of noise. I was sure someone must have seen something or at the very least heard something; especially seeing this was an isle directly in front of the cashier check outs. I look up and no one seems to have noticed. Well, no one other than my mother who is beside me literally laughing out loud.

At least it made our grocery trip a little more interesting.

The Plate Shuffle

Every night it's one of two things, either dinner is set out on the kitchen table or everyone serves themselves from the pot(s) or pan(s) on the stove. In the case of the latter, after loading up my plate someone carries it to the table for me. It's kind of hard to do it myself on crutches. Today was different. What can I say, I'm stubborn.

After loading my plate with food I set it on the counter beside the stove. I then took one crutching step to the left. Now standing still and balancing on my left foot, I pick up my plate and set it down again as far left down the counter as I can. A couple more steps to the left now, passing right by my plate before I stop. I reach back, grab the plate and move it again. Two more plate moves and I've reached the end of the "L" shaped counter. Standing at the end of the counter I slide my plate up onto the breakfast nook that runs the length of the short arm of the "L". Hmmm the table is a little too far from the breakfast nook.

Just as I'm assessing the situation and planning my next move my brother walks by with his plate in hand and goes to pick up mine. I shout "NO!" (Possibly a little louder than I had intended) "... I'm so close". Everyone laughs a little but he leaves it be. Ok, back to getting my plate to the table.

I grab one of the bar stools from the breakfast nook, slide it out and spin it around so the seat is facing the space between me and the kitchen table. Perfect! I shuffle to the left a little further. I grab my plate and set it on the stool. Couple more steps. Last move, I'm almost there! With a satisfied smile on my face, I grab my plate with my right hand, shift it over to my left and set it down one last time onto the table. Viola!!!

Of course my brother has to ask, "are you going to put the stool back?" With a smirk I reply, "no you can. I don't need it anymore." It really only needed to be slid back in about 6 inches.

Can't Walk? Ride!

For the past 7.5 weeks my mobility has left much to be desired. Actually for that matter, there has been one thing or another keeping me from getting around with ease for the last year. Most recently with my surgery, before that the exhausting side effects of chemo and even prior to that, severe pain for months leading up to a diagnosis. It would be really nice and kind of liberating if I could go where I wanted, how I wanted and at a decent pace. I found a way.

Lucky for me my parents have a 4wheeler. At first thought, this doesn't solve my problem, I wouldn't be able to shift the gears with my right foot. Lucky for me they have an automatic 4wheeler, no shifting required. Yesterday I was feeling the need to get out on my own and more than just a slow lap around the house on my crutches. I got myself ready, went outside, made my way to the 4wheeler, got myself on it and... it won't start. Battery is dead. I was really trying to do this all by myself. I was going to ride by the window and wave and smile with a look that said "see, I can manage some things on my own". Now what? I get my dad to hook up the battery charger and I head back in the house frustrated and a little defeated.

Fast forward a couple of hours. Let's try this again. Back outside. Slowly and methodically back into position on the seat. And... it starts. I'm free! I'm speeding up and down and all around the yard. I feel like I'm 14 again. Before I had a driver's license and the 4wheeler was the closest I could come to driving. The freedom and control to drive at any speed, in which ever direction I chose. What a feeling.

Trampolining

Believe it or not I was on a trampoline today. Okay okay, I wasn't actually jumping or anything fun like that but I was ON it. It was a nice day out, sunny but with a cool breeze, and the trampoline has always been one of my favourite places to lay outside. Whether it's suntanning, star gazing, or just hanging out, it's certainly comfy.

I had been sitting outside in a standard plastic patio chair for a little while and was getting restless. Looking over at the trampoline I contemplated the idea of getting on it. It doesn't sound like a big decision but there were a couple issues I was facing. (1) The height of the trampoline. It's above my waist, so I'd need to jump up to get on. (2) The springs / edge of the trampoline. If I was able to jump up, I'd have to slide myself over the springs to get into the center. What the heck, why not give it a try.

SUCCESS! (obviously, I already told you I was on it)

Getting up wasn't too difficult. With my back to the trampoline I was able to lift myself up onto the edge. You don't really need both legs for that. Sliding across the springs was a little more of a challenge. Yes there is some material covering them but it's not a solid surface. I had to lean all my weight to the left to stay balanced on the frame but that was the easy part. Sliding backwards proved to be the challenge. I needed both arms to lift myself up and slide backwards and I didn't have a hand left to lift my right leg to "bring it with me" (it needs some assistance now and again). I was finally up, had shimmied my way to the middle of the trampoline and was lying down. All worth it.

Crap, eventually I need to get down from here ...

Not Quite O.C.D.

This is not a new revelation, it is something I've been aware of for a very long time. Occasionally I will come across a situation were I'm reassured of this particular behaviour though. Every one of us have some compulsions (obsessive compulsive features) which they may or may not even be aware of. I'm definitely not at the level of being diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder but I have more (I hesitate to add the word many but it's probably accurate) compulsions than the average person. Thankfully, non of which effect my quality of life or anything like that and I hope they never do.

So every night and every morning I go through the same routine. This in itself is not unusual but there's more. I actually take a little bit of pride in the fact that I carry everything I need for the night up to bed and back down in the morning for the day. It's nice to do something for myself, unassisted once in a while. Every night I pack my bag, a small purse/messenger bag, to carry upstairs with me. When I reach my room I unpack everything so that it is easily accessible in the night. It was last night that I actually stopped part way through unpacking and recognized another compulsion of mine.

I place my 3 bottles of pills in the same order on my desk each night. Followed by my cell phone beside them, closest to the clock. My glass of water (for the pills) goes on the other side. My e-reader goes on the floor between my bed and desk and leans up against the edge of the desk. On the nights where I have a cooler of ice packs for my foot, which let's face it has been every night for the last little while, it goes beside my desk always facing the same way. I do the same thing in the morning as well. Pack everything up, usually placed in my bag in the same position, and bring it downstairs. Then it is unpacked at my spot on the couch and set in its "place".

Do you think I'm weird yet? I know it sounds like extra work, reading it back after typing it I even think it sounds like extra work, but it's not. I don't think about it as I do it. I put things in their "place" automatically and so really it takes exactly the same amount of time, effort and thought as it would for you to unpack the same bag of things. Mine will just be more organized in the end ;)

Electric Shopping Carts

My last couple posts have been kind of negative so I'd like to get back to some positive. All in all, even with everything I've gone through, I really do like to look for the positive in situations (most of the time anyway). There is no point in focusing on the negative if you can't change it. When you focus on the positive, even if it's really small or minor, it makes even really difficult situations a little bit easier. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it makes everything better but it can make things a little brighter.

At some grocery stores, usually somewhere close to their customer service desk, they may have one or two electric shopping carts. If you have seen them before, I'm guessing there's a chance you thought,"oh it'd be fun to ride around on that". Well guess who gets to use them?! I've had a chance to use one twice now. It makes going grocery shopping kind of fun.

The first electric cart I used was really big. Ridiculously big actually. It was really long with a large basket on the front which made it a bit difficult to maneuver. It was fairly entertaining though, taking wide turns to get down an isle or "pulling over" to let other shoppers get by. While using it I started to worry a little bit about the elderly using the cart. Not to generalize but if an older customer was to use it and perhaps their ability to operate the cart wasn't as good, I could just picture them running into end displays and other shelves. Not good. One older customer who saw me using the cart even commented that I was doing much better than she would. After shopping for a while the cart started to slow down, I think it was running out of power. I was a little worried it was going to die and I'd be stranded. Well not stranded because I had my crutches with me but it would be terrible if someone who couldn't get up and walk was using it and it died.

My second experience with an electric cart was yesterday. It was at a different grocery store and therefore with a different cart. A more reasonably sized cart. It was really easy to get around and pretty fun. It also had a power meter so I knew I still had plenty of power to get around. There would be no surprises and it wasn't going to just stop working. I do get some looks from other shoppers when using it. I don't blame them though. At first they just see a young lady having a good time driving around in an electric cart. I'm guessing they're probably thinking, with some judgement, "why is she using that?" After staring for a bit (which they tend to do), they hopefully notice my crutches. And then for those that are paying attention, they may notice how short my hair is. A length that is very unlikely I'd cut it to. Put two and two together and I believe they accept my use of the cart.

I haven't hit anything or anyone yet but I will keep you posted.