One Year Since ...

I'm starting to think the worst part about this year will be all the 1 year "anniversaries" I have to go through. This year will be filled with days that are one year since so many life changing days, major events, and new experiences. Each one of these days will be filled with a million different emotions. I've always been one to remember dates, significant or sometimes rather mundane. I'm usually happy about this but I'm thinking this year I may wish I couldn't recall all the dates and specifics so easily.

My one year since being diagnosis with cancer was a confusing day. On one hand I was thankful for so many things and seeing how far I'd come in a year and that I was doing well now. On the other, there were so many moments that day when I was brought back to that same day a year ago and the events of the afternoon played out in my head over and over and over. I remembered every feeling and mixed emotion I went through that day. The moments of silence. The tears. The phone call I had to make to my parents. Speaking with my sister. Every detail of every moment is burned into my memory. This is how so many days will play out for me this year.

A couple weeks ago marked the day I sent an email out to all my friends and coworkers telling them what was going on. That really was one of the hardest days emotionally for me last year. I couldn't help but feel like I was ruining the day of each and every person I was sending that email to. And I know not one of them would think of it that way but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to write. I couldn't help but cry and when I hit send I completely broke down. I've realised that this is the day burned into the memory of so many of my friends. That is when this journey started for all of them. It's been interesting over the past couple weeks hearing their side of that day. What they did, where they went, who they talked to. It's humbling to hear just how much your own life can effect someone else.

Today is one year since my first chemo treatment. That day feels like it was so long ago. I found myself more upbeat about reaching this milestone than I thought I'd be. Remembering how much I've endured and overcome this year makes me feel pretty good. I know that I made it through that first treatment and round after round for months to follow. There was so much uncertainty one year ago today, I didn't even know what questions were the right ones to ask. I remember the sleepless night before. The fear of the unknown. Worrying about the possible side effects. The feeling of being at the beginning, so far away from the end, weighing on me. It does feel fantastic to be looking back on the day now though. The simple fact that I can look back on it is enough to make me smile.

I have many more "one year since ..." days to go this year, most of which will be the same kind of flip flop of emotions. But soon enough it'll be one year since ... my last day of chemo ... surgery ... standing up for the first time ... being discharged from the hospital and so many other positive moments/memories. Before I know it I'll be celebrating one year since taking my first unassisted steps (date yet to be determined). Looking forward to these positive milestones is what will keep me focused on the future rather than reliving the past.